Dance Of His Heartbeat

“I will dance and resist and dance and persist and dance. This heartbeat is louder than death.”

~ Suheir Hammad

Where are you going?  My thoughts asked.  The familiar apartment front door, which had always greeted me so warmly in times past, now stood before me.  Its closed doors loomed over me like a haunting death sentence.  I shivered as my feet stood implanted onto the asphalt street like stone.  Thunder exploded in the overcast skies.  There was going to be a thunderstorm tonight.  I hated thunderstorms.  They unnerved me.  Where was I going?  I was going to hell that’s where.  Which was why I shouldn’t be here.  Here wasn’t a place a person like me should be.  I pulled tighter at what was left of my scanty torn dress to try to cover my exposed body against the cold.  I felt naked.

Why are you here?

Did I know?  Perhaps a part of me still believed I could get a second chance.  Another shot to redeem myself.  But the truth was I had been given many second chances.   He had been more than merciful to me.  I just couldn’t stop being myself.  I guess I just wanted to see him one last time.  Had to say good-bye… and then face my deserved fate.

I pushed through my anxiety and trudged up the stone steps.  The fear in my mind grew like a vengeful cancer.  It was almost unbearable as I turned the doorknob and pushed my way through into the vacant hallway.

I could feel the rugged texture of the nylon carpet beneath my bare feet and the smooth stone wall to the touch of my outstretched fingertips.  Darkness smothered the cool apartment hallway.  I couldn’t see anything.  

What are you looking for?  

That was a good question.

If I was not searching for second chances, then what was I looking for?  If I wanted to give him a second chance to a life without me and be free, then being here was the wrong choice.  It would be better if he just never heard from me again, then he would continue to live his life and soon forget about me.

Although I wanted him to live without me, the thought terrified me.  It scared me because I couldn’t live without him.  I needed him.  I really was screwed up.  My life was a string of failures and messed-up lies.  I didn’t deserve what I was searching for.  My one desire – I gave up my right to have that a long time ago.  I should just leave.  

But what are you searching for?  What is your desire?  

Him.  I just wanted him.  His love.  His forgiveness.  His freedom.  His life to consume my death.  He offered it to me with open arms, and I cheated on him like the sick whore that I am.  I shunned him and ran away.  Time after time again.  The truth was too hurtful to bear.  I couldn’t stand it.  

He will forgive you.  He will accept you again.  He always does.

I knew that like I knew I needed air and water.  But the fact that I was always the one to betray him and cause him pain no matter how much he has done for me would be beyond my undoing.  It wasn’t fair of me to ask for more.  He would be better off without me.  

Way better off.

I turned to blindly feel my way to the apartment door, which stood frozenly open in the night.  I could feel its icy gust enveloping me into a dark, foreboding embrace.  Terror gripped my heart.  It was a cold realization that there would be no hope for me if I continued to run.  I would be forever damned into eternal suffering and aloneness.  I momentarily stalled.  Could I go through with this?  I remembered the look in his eyes as he told me to trust him.  No matter what.  He would keep me safe, he promised.  I did trust him.  With my whole heart, didn’t I?  But I was the one who proved untrustworthy.  Liar!  Traitor! Cheap-dirty-slut!  Tears burned in my eyes.  I closed them shut, as if closing them would deafen the chaos and heartache.  I didn’t want to hear those words anymore.  Yet they were so true.  No, I had to leave.  This was who I was.  I could never change.  Not even for him… either way, my staying or leaving would already be a betrayal.  

I trudged back to the open door, my legs weighing down heavily beneath me like lead.  Everything screamed within me to stop – that what I was doing was dreadfully wrong.  It beat in my head, throbbing into a nauseous pain.  I wanted to die.  Yes, I really wanted to die.  But then again, I was already dead wasn’t I?  Death would only be a worse never-ending continuation of the brutal cycle.  There was no hope for me.  

I broke down then.  Falling down onto my knees, I cried.  The tears ran freely down my cheeks and I didn’t try to contain them.  I was too tired.  

“Please help me,” it was all I could say.  To no one in particular; I just wanted some kind of help.  Anything— at least to make the pain bearable.  

It was in that one moment where the faintest sounds of a rhythm vibrated into the fabric of the atmosphere.  I couldn’t define its source, or understand where it was coming from.  It seemed as if the atoms of the air became alive and sung the song of a heartbeat.  The vibration grew into a melody that seemed to dissolve into my flesh.  My very being.  Warmth spread all over my body, and I wanted to melt into it.  The smallest touches of beauty – and my heart yearned after it fiercely.  I was desperate.  

I whimpered, sniffling my tears.

A voice spoke out from amidst the melody.  I could begin to hear it undeniably.  I recognized that voice.  It was him.   He called out my name, each syllable spoken distinctly.  It was beautiful.  Yet it also broke my heart – to hear him calling after me. Searching for me.  Wanting me to just come back to him.  Why did he have to do this to me?

I could feel his presence walking towards me, the sound of his footsteps coming ever so nearer.  Warm light crept into the room, pushing away at the darkness as he approached me.  I was still sitting there helpless on the floor.  I turned my face away from him and closed my eyes that were still burning with fresh tears.  How could I face him like this?  

He sat down in front of me, and didn’t say anything.  The silence ate away at my soul, as my shame overwhelmed me.  I knew he had every reason to hate me and be disappointed in who I was.  Every right to just give up and condemn me.  I braced myself for the hurtful words that would crush me.  Asking why I did this to him . . . telling me that he had given up… that I was on my own now.  It would be justice, but it would also be my damnation . . . but perhaps the finality would give me some sort of freedom.  The freedom of death and the ending this dreadful cycle.  The freedom that he could finally live without the curse of my life’s chains.  At least a freedom would come for his sake.

I never felt so alone than I did now.  

“I love you,” his words were barely audible, but they pierced a gash into my heart.  What did he just say?  It wasn’t possible.  After what I had done, he should be disgusted by the mere sight of me.  Nonetheless he sat there confessing his love for me.  Everything screamed within me to run away, to abandon this madness; yet, everything within me yearned to stay and just accept this.  To accept him.  

“Please stay,” he said, as if reading my mind.  My eyes met his, and I was struck with pleading empathy.  

“I can’t,” I whimpered, “I betrayed you.  I went back.  I tried to trust you, but I couldn’t help myself.  I will never be faithful to what you want me to be.” More tears streamed down my face, “I never will be.”

Understanding settled on his countenance, but he didn’t make an attempt to move.  For a moment I thought I could see jealousy and anger flicker across his face, but it wasn’t directed towards me.  It was directed towards what had taken possession of me.

His gaze settled on my body, which was covered with bruises and filth.  Sorrow overflowed on his features.  He didn’t try to hide the tears swelling up from within him.  Guilt overwhelmed me.  It was too much.  I couldn’t take this.

I broke down then, sitting there sobbing I couldn’t do anything but cry.  He took me into his arms and held me close to his chest.  Words couldn’t be spoken to define those moments.  Moments of gut-wrenching sorrow, of agony and heartache; yet in his embrace I felt the most tranquil, pure love and safety than I had ever felt in my entire life.  I never wanted to leave this, ever.

I could still hear the music playing in the atmosphere.  I didn’t know where it came from, but I didn’t care.  To me, it was the most beautiful thing in the world.  

“Dance with me.”

Did I hear that?  Or was I only imagining?  It sounded like his voice, but it was different.  I looked up at his face, not knowing what to expect.  He looked into my eyes, his gaze piercing into my soul.  He didn’t appear to have said anything, but in his eyes so much was spoken.  

“Dance with me.”

The words were never spoken through his lips, but I knew he said them.  How I had no clue.  But the question that mostly rang through my mind was what he was asking.  Dance with him?  Why?  Could I even?  I should have been leaving…

You know you don’t belong here!  Run!  Before you give him false hope and hurt him again!

“I can’t,” I whimpered, “I shouldn’t.”

He took my hand in his and motioned me to stand to my feet, “Yes you can. I know what you are going through, and its ok.  I understand.  But I will always be here for you.  No matter what.”

Before I had time to realize what was happening, I found myself leaning on his chest and taken into the melody.  Soft tears escaped my eyes as I melted into his embrace.  I have no idea how long we were like that, but then it was like something had awakened in my soul.  I knew that for the rest of my life I was his.  There was nothing else to it.  I could run.  I could hide.  But something in my heart had changed that night.  I surrendered.  I gave him my all.  Even if that meant my death.  And I would.  I would have to die, give up my life and everything I held onto… for him.

But are you sure?  Are you really ready to die?

I didn't have anything else to live for.  He was my everything.  Yes.  Yes, I would!

And in that declaration I made, I felt more alive than I had ever felt before.  And I danced with him.  I danced for the death of my sorrows.  I danced for love.  I danced for the life which I never had before.  And I knew something had died within me at that moment.  I was finally free.  I was free!

Are you ready to live in my life?

This time I said yes without any reserve.  Because this wasn’t about me anymore.  I said yes for him.

Then it was like with a rush of wings, the beat of his heart, and the sound of his voice… he poured out his heart on me.  He loved me.  He desired me.  I could see it his eyes, just one glimpse of fervent love, and I couldn’t contain it all.  I screamed.  I screamed in agony.  In joy.  My soul screamed that which words could never describe.  And I knew that this was the man who held the stars and galaxies in his hands and threw the planet into orbit.  And he loved me.

We stopped dancing in that moment.  I could feel his breath upon my cheek, as his face was only a few inches from mine.

“Do you love me?” he asked.

And for the first time, I knew I did.  Truly.

“Yes.  I love you! I love you. I love you.”

Then as if it was the most wonderful thing he had ever heard, he laughed.  He smiled. He threw back his head and laughed the most beautiful, genuine laugh I had ever seen.  We danced, and he sang and he cried,

“She loves me! She loves me! Oh, she loves me!”

This is the conveyal of my story.  A story of divine, crazy love that has yet to be finished, because he charged me to be the voice of this love to all the people of the earth.  To show them the dance that every heart and soul must dance till the ends of eternity.  This is also your story.  Your dance to be danced, and your heart to be set free.